Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Carousel

-- Work, pub, takeaway, home, sleep, work, accidental night out, taxi?, home, sleep, work, no it was a bus?, sleep, work, definitely a bus, home, sleep, work, weekend, party, who knows?, home, oh - facebook knows, sunday shame, work, sleep, work, sleep, pub --

--Work, gym, home, sleep, yoga, work, home, sleep, work, dinner, home, sleep, work, cinema, sleep, home, work, weekend, sleep, yoga, shopping, home, sleep, work, gym --

Birthday card to Mum last year... 


Today marks my 27th day off the booze... That's right kids, my lack of virtuous blogging (or flogging if you're feeling cutting) isn't due to catapulting myself off the wagon (I've never done half measures, figuratively or literally), I've just been busy with work, and also been hitting the gym and the yoga mat (unfortunately this is in a purely literal sense). I'm not going to lie to you, I've enjoyed the last month, and I *never* enjoy January. I've enjoyed feeling good, and I've really enjoyed not feeling bad, and now, on day 27 of 31 I'm nervous.



People keep asking me what my plans are for the 1st of feb? You know, dry January is over!! Obviously I'm off straight down to the pub to get wasted, I can barely contain my excitement. I've had colleagues at work phoning me (different office, we're not that bad) to ask if they can come with me 'for my first drink,' and of course, I don't want to disappoint them. There are going to be so many parties - no-one has money in January - and I am going to be at the centre of them, giving my greatest performances yet. I wonder if I can still strawpeedo a bottle of wine in one go? On second thoughts, maybe baby steps should be the way forward - skulling a stein of snakebite in one sounds like a good warm up - it would be nice to remember 8pm.
Blondes should have more fun anyway right?

Expectations are a funny thing. Whether you fail to try, try to fail, surpass, or steamroll someone's expectations of you all hinges on how you have managed those expectations. A good friend of mine told me last weekend that, when going into work, you should 'dress for the job that you want, not necessarily the job you have.' To follow this thread, I've essentially been dressing in year old stained H and M jeans with a fray in the crotch and a baggy striped t-shirt, underwear optional, and I've only just realised it. The job I have been 'applying for' is to take an Americanism, the 'class clown,' but more than that, the class clown who doesn't care because they are individual, above it, knows what they are about, works themself into the ground,  and if you don't like it then please excuse me whilst I don't give a flying fuck. Shame I forgot to take off the big red nose.

So I'm nervous, and confused. I've worked hard, *really* hard, in the last 27 days. I've felt the effort I'm putting in at work pay off more than I did before - why? Because I am more focused, my effort is more focused, and I'm more conscious of the results I am getting.  I've put in more effort at looking after myself - not just with not drinking, but in looking at what I eat, how much I am exercising, how I behave with other people. To continue my little allegory, I've changed my job spec.

I'm nervous because this is all new to me. I'm nervous because I am happy where I am now, and because I don't know if I can 'do' an equilibrium. As I've said, I struggle with 'half measures' - you either 'do', or you 'don't' - and now I'm faced with one vicious, and one virtuous cycle. The question is, do they need to be mutually exclusive, or is there a medium? I feel like I am setting myself up for a fall - why get attached to objects if they are just going to get lost, left behind, or taken? Why develop relationships with people when people move on? What will be, will be - I never run for buses, if its meant to happen the bus will be there when I raise my head on approaching the stop.
Next weeks blog post: 'How am I single?'

You may ask 'why not just keep on not drinking?' The answer is simple. I don't want the pressure, nor the consequences of making that decision. I don't want it to be a 'thing.' Call that misguided, call it denial, but I'm not going to go into competition with myself over this, and I don't want labels. Its an exploration, a work in progress, and its personal.

I have had the best time in the last 5 years since moving to London, and have met some of the most amazing people, and would not change any decision I have made in my life. Not one. But I am done with waiting for things to happen because 'what will be will be,' and I am done with dressing down because of the belief that something will fall into my lap because I work hard.

I'm going to keep going with this blog after I complete my dry month. Not because of some misaimed narcissistic notion that everyone cares about what who I am, or what I do, or what I want, nor because I feel some divine right to preach about where I've been, and where I'm going because ultimately we all deal with our own shit, and no-one's problems are more valid than someone else's because they are (self) published on some tiny corner of the web. I'm going to continue blogging because I think that the message is valid - whether a message from me to myself, or from me to you - that you can step off the carousel, and change direction if you want - hell, even change the ride completely - because life is too short to lose sight of where we have been, and more importantly where we are going.


2 comments:

  1. This reminds me of how good I felt doing Dryathlon last year. This year I've had too much to drink and it's catching up with me - not enough sleep, not enough productivity, skin starting to die. Time to cut down again! Thanks for the reminder

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    1. Thanks Andrew - just seen this comment. After a bit of dipping and plateauing I'm now back on the moderation as opposed to non-regulartion or sobriety, but this is something that I only learned as a result of good ol' dry Jan. Hope its working out for you!

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